Drag You Down
by Astrid
Summary: Chasing Amy fic. Holden reflects on his mistakes. My first shot at this!


Why did I do it? It's a question that's run through my head for quite some time now. Well, 'run through my head' isn't exactly the best terminology for it. More like 'fucking possessed my every waking thought'. Yeah, I think that's a better way to put it. I can't believe I could have been so blind. So jaded by what I thought would solve this. What was I thinking?

I was thinking that if I allowed myself to have one kinky experience with the girl of my dreams, I wouldn't feel inadequate. That all the raunchy, odd, quirky things she'd done in the past would have been voided and I would have finally been in the forefront. For Christ's sake, why didn't I just ask her to tie me up and whip me? At least that way I wouldn't have lost my best friend.

Banky. Why in hell did I drag him into this? Christ, because I thought that sharing her with him would strengthen our bond as friends. Killing two birds with one stone, right? More like killing myself twice. The poor guy, how could I think those things about him? Banky isn't gay. He's weird, but he's not gay. But he said yes. He said yes. And things were odd. He said yes to help me. Not because he wanted to. To help me. I've been trying to convince myself of that for so long. 

I was willing to sleep with him if it meant keeping her. Does that make any sense to anyone but me? Or does it just make me a freak? Was it desperate? Yes. Was it a long shot? I didn't think so. But God, watching the hurt on her face as she spilled everything out, the anger as she slapped me, and the contempt as she told Banky I was his again was like watching a stack of paper or something fall down because you bumped against it the wrong way. I couldn't stop her from leaving. I couldn't stop her from doing anything. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't pick up the papers fast enough. I didn't even try to revoke anything I said. I just watched as she walked away. Watched as Banky followed. Watched as everything I had ever known as close to me ran in the opposite fucking direction.

Fools rush in, or so they say. I rushed in way too fast. And I was a fool to confess anything like that to them. Especially my feelings for Banky. But...not like that, not those sort of feelings, no. Anything remotely sexual was reserved for Alyssa, and Alyssa alone. I hadn't once thought about Banky in that context until Hooper brought it up. And even then I was skeptical. I knew I didn't feel that way, but it was so perfect an opportunity to mend things in every direction. It was the door: Want Banky. Want Alyssa. Want to fill in rift with Banky. Want to boost confidence with Alyssa. Perfect scenario: Sleep with them both.

And then everything exploded. It was like I was standing beside myself and watching as I made stupid fucking move after stupid fucking move. Watching as I told Banky he loved me. Watching as I kissed him. Watching as I made Banky squirm like a kid with a bladder problem. Watching as Alyssa's face turned to one of complete disgust. Watching as everything that I had planned, and everything that I thought would go off without a hitch went to shit. How could I have been so stupid? So completely wrong? What did I misconstrue?

Answer? Everything. I read signs the wrong way. I read faces the wrong way. And I listened to Hooper. Big mistake. I thought that I was smarter than that. Apparently not. I was desperate, and I wasn't thinking, I just wanted a solution and a quick one, and this was it. And it was wrong. So awfully, completely, terribly wrong.

Because now I'm here alone. No Banky making cracks at me in the background, no Alyssa to kiss when I feel shitty, not even Hooper to make a pass at me and cheer me up. Sad, huh?

Yeah. I'm pretty down in the fucking dumps. I'm such a miserable shit. I'm that guy that just can't get up and move on. I can't just get up and say I'm sorry. I can't re-patch anything that I screwed up months ago. There's nothing I can do to get any of their trust, friendship...whatever back. It's gone. I threw it out the window when I let "Fingercuffs" get to me. 

And that hurts. Because when I came home from the hockey game that day, who was there for me? Banky. Who has always been there for me? Banky. Who would I stay up till 4am with just so we could beat the final level on whatever Sega game we were playing that week? Banky. 

Why does this all seem to come back to Banky?

What does he hold over me that keeps me in this miserable state?

Nothing besides the fact that he kept me grounded. He was my sanity, my other half, my best friend, my business partner, my family. He was mine. And I was his. And not in that trashy romance way.


End file.
